Month: November 2013

Divorce is not easy; this is the understatement of the year!  All people in a family are affected by a divorce.  Spouses, children, in-laws, everyone is affected to some degree.  For children the divorce of their parents is often a very traumatic experience no matter how smooth the transition and no matter how old children are.  It is hard for children to understand and come to terms with the fact that the two people they love are now going to be divorce.

Children often feel at fault or to blame when their parents separate.  Often, this makes little sense to adults however children find a way to associate everything back to them and see fault.  Kids going through a parents’ divorce struggle to find ways to prevent the divorce.  The “what ifs” and “if I did this” keep running through children’s minds.

As parents we are struggling with the impending divorce as well.  We worry about our finances, about becoming single again and about the next step.  It is often hard to remember that you aren’t the only person worried about all of this.  Children are notorious worriers about things that they have little to no control over.  As parent’s going through a divorce it is our job to alleviate and manage the burden felt by our children as we sort out the bigger issues.

The first crucial moment for children is when their parents sit down to tell them that they are indeed going to get a divorce.  Breaking this news is heartbreaking as well as difficult.  Don’t ever break the news of an impending divorce, to children, in the heat of the moment.  It should be a time when you come together as a family to properly explain what is happening and why.  The better prepared you are for this step the less misunderstandings and worry there will be for your children.

These are you children together and it is important for both parents to remember this.  Children are incredibly impressionable and no matter what the reason is for the divorce all children see is how much they love both of you.  They will have a hard time seeing why the two of you no longer love one another.  It is so crucial that as a family unit, time is taken to explain this.  Also take the worry and anxiousness out of the situation by explaining in detail the next step, where will everyone be living, what is happening and when it will happen.

The issue of child custody and child support will arise throughout the process, this is inevitable.  Don’t burden your children with this.  Work to come to a consensus with your partner and if this is not possible the judge in the case will make arrangements based on the information provided to make sure your children are as affected as minimally as possible in the given situation.

Although through the divorce you may have ill-will towards your partner this is not anything that should be expressed in front of your children.  They are your children together and they love you both equally.  Children are not a pawn and should not be used as one. To do so is irresponsible and harmful to them.  Nothing good comes from putting your children in the middle of any argument you are having.

As always be clear with your children.  No matter how old they are there is a way to convey information about the situation in an age appropriate manner.  As parents this is your obligation to them.  Your children will thank you as they grow for making the process less burdensome on them.  They will see the world and will appreciate the manner in which you proceeded to handle the difficulties of divorce when you are honest in your communication with them.

Beginning the divorce process is one of the hardest decisions in life.  It comes with much stress, anticipation and uncertainty.  Some of the things that may be going through your mind are about finances, living arrangements and the future.

In this article we will work to help you get a grasp of the uncertainty that comes with filing for a divorce in Michigan and offer tips to ensure a successful transition.

How will I survive financially without my spouse’s income?

The first step is to determine how many expenses that you will have on your own.  Look at your housing expensive (rent and utilities), vehicle, insurance, credit cards and money for living expenses.   It is not wise to include spousal support or child support arrangements until this has been set in stone.  Be prepared to do it on your own.

Next determine what special assistance you may be entitled to.  Look into local, state and federal assistance and changes in your status that will assist you.  For instance locally you may be able to receive a reduction in your Council Tax bill as a single adult household.  State assistance may be given in child care credits and federal assistance in the form of tax credits and programs such as bridge card assistance.

You will want to contact your bank and inform them that a divorce is imminent and open up an account in only your name that you alone have access to.  Make sure that you place money that is yours into an account that cannot be touched by your spouse.  You will need your own funds no matter how confident you are in the beginning that things will be smooth and everyone will agree on divorce settlements things change in the heat of the moment.  The most congenial people can turn bitter fast within divorce proceedings.

Where we I live during the divorce proceedings and after?

Contact a real estate professional immediately if you believe that neither you nor your spouse will be in the market to stay within the marital home.  This enables the home to be put on the market and hopefully sold during the divorce.  From here you will determine what is owed on the home and what the value of the home is.  This will help both parties estimate how much they will be able to afford in a new home as well as how much money they can expect from the sale of the marital home.

If you will be staying in the home you will need to make arrangements to get a mortgage in your own name.  Many times this can be achieved with a property adjustment order.  This allows one spouse to remain in the home, with the children, until a later agreed upon date.  This is achieved with a Financial Consent Order and is a way in which both couples are required to contribute to the homes mortgage payment.

What will I do now? What does the future hold for me?

You will need to determine where your income will come from.  Will you work full-time, part-time and how does this affect child care?  If you are not already in the job market you will want to sharpen your skills with schooling or training right away to ensure that you will be able to support yourself and your family.  You will be relying on a single income make sure you are in a career that can sustain your lifestyle.  It may be time to re-discover a passion that will supplement your income as well.  Often times side hobbies start to turn into an additional source of income when living through a divorce.  Consider selling your paintings, getting into part time photography or even selling up cycled furniture.  Whatever your hobbies are before the divorce can often supplement your income substantially.

Divorce is never easy on anyone.  Being prepared is one way to decrease the amount of anxiety you will feel when making the first steps towards divorce.

The word divorce brings so many different emotions with it.  For some people the emotions that are brought on with divorce create stress that is so deep it interferes with everything else in their lives.  Functioning from day to day when the stress of an impending divorce looms over is a lot for most people to handle.  One of the best things that you can do for yourself is to learn to cope and move on from the stress, learn to relax and move forward and let the cards play out as they will.  The extra worry that you carry with you will not make the tide turn any more in your favor than it will have without it.  What will help you is to take care of yourself. Put yourself out there, begin to exercise, eat healthy and work to begin producing positive energy and thoughts.

If you recognize that you are not handling the stress brought on by your divorce there are many things that you can do to turn that cycle into something better focused.  Less stress leaves you healthier and better equipped for life when the divorce dust settles.  This is also true for kids going through divorce and especially difficult child custody arrangements, stress can turn them into people we no longer recognize.

Tips on Relieving the Burden of Stress a Divorce Causes

The first tip is to get help for all of the emotional needs that are being felt.  Talking with a trained professional is in everyone’s best interest during this most difficult time.  The difference between talking with friends and an impartial third party is the advice that is given on getting you back.  Friends easily sway back into the dwellings of the past where as a professional therapist is moving you out of the past and into the future that awaits you.

Make sure you are moving your body. Stress is not able to physically grab hold of bodies who are focused and moving forward.  Keep your children involved in extra-curricular sports and find a walking club to join or a gym to go to.  It is amazing what your body is capable of while releasing all of the negative.

Make time to do stuff for your needs.  Sit in the tub, read a book, go on a vacation or turn your phone off and have a staycation.  These are times you need to have for yourself and for your family.  Your kids will appreciate the person you are when you are refreshed and rejuvenated.

This tip is huge for both you and for the kids.  Allow yourself to feel every emotion that is flooding into you.  Emotions will range from grieving to elation and everything in between and out of there.  You will feel it, they will feel it and all of that is healthy.  Feeling it and dwelling on it are two different things.  Don’t dwell on it as that won’t get you anywhere near where you need to be.

Lastly change your outlook.  Change what you expect out of yourself and others.  It is okay to be in control but it is also okay to let other help you. There is a difference between being controlled and allowing someone to help you.  It is okay to realize that and allow yourself to change your expectations towards yourself and your relationships with others.

Divorce is difficult but is even harder when you allow yourself to be buried with stress and burden.

Divorce is something that can be either a devastating blow or intense freedom.  Either a shattering end or a blissful beginning.  The experience is different and unique for every individual, couple and child that is living it.  Often times men end up taking divorce harder than women.  Men and women end up worrying about a lot of different things when a divorce is filed.  Women worry about the finances, the place to live, keeping a routine while men struggle with the mental aspect including how they could have let their marriage fail.  Men simply have an incredibly hard time dealing with and moving past the idea of failing.  Although divorce is not a failure this is how most men that are not interested in a divorce from their partner see it.

When it comes to statistics men are more likely to go on a path of self-destruction after a divorce. While they aren’t worried about making ends meet, as they usually end up more financially stable than a women does they do end up with the emotional burden.  Men are also less likely to seek help for this which leads them into self-healing through alcohol, food and drugs.

The truth is divorce is over simplified in the world we live in.  When going through a divorce the world has become desensitized because it is so common place.  For this reason men are left to believe that the feelings of regret, sadness and grief are ones that are not common and that should not be felt.  This is anything but the truth.   Our society may make divorce seem common place but this is in fact not the truth and neither party in a divorce should feel like the emotions and phases they are going through in handling the demise of the marriage are wrong or inappropriate.

Some advice for men experiencing this in their own divorce currently; seek out support.  Don’t allow yourself to become enslaved to harmful habits that will only forgo moving into a healthy life and future.  Experiences in life will hurt, they will bruise your ego but in the end they will make you stronger.  Divorce is a time of change but also a time to connect to the world in a whole different light.

Learn to be the father you want to be.  The demands of being a partner are no longer on you so take all of that extra energy and turn it into something wonderful for yourself and for your children.  The time you have with them be less than you are used to.  Even the best child custody relationships leave us with our children less than we are used to when what we are used to is full time.  Take the time they are with you and be with them fully both physically and emotionally.  The time when you are apart take time for yourself.  Get to know who you are on your own without the influence of a partner’s opinion and without your kids.

Become the man you want to be after your divorce not the one that your emotions lead you to be.